"Never Found One Person" Means You Didn't Look Hard Enough

I'm glad Pee-Wee Herman is back.

I enjoyed his way bizarre Saturday morning show when I was younger. I saw the beginnings of several long careers, though I couldn't have known it at the time. And this has forever been burned into my brain.

I loved his first movie. It's highly quotable. It was Tim Burton's first full-length movie. And this has forever been burned into my brain.

So I'm glad Pee-Wee's back.

Mr. Reubens, unfortunately, can't let go of the past. True, those of us old enough to remember will always remember that infamous event. But this new generation of kids ... well, they may know about it, really. But they probably wouldn't at all if Mr. Rubens would stop talking about it.

Look, I get it. He feels wronged. And for all we know, he was incorrectly fingered out. Mr. Reubens, I'm gathering from the article, wishes it had gone to trial. He believes that he would have gotten off because of the evidence. From the article:

"Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand," Reubens divulges in the latest issue of Playboy (which hits newsstands Friday). "I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me."

Okay. Here is what I really wanted to post about. Let's look at that quote again, shall we?

... in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand ...

I'm going to call shenanigans here.

All those who masturbate with their non-dominant hand, raise your dominant hand. (I'd love to, but I'm typing this blog post right now.) I'm certain at least one person raised his (or her) hand. (I would have, but I was typing.)

I'm sorry, Mr. Reubens, but just because your institute couldn't find one person in 30 years doesn't mean he (or she) doesn't exist. I'd guarantee you that the plaintiff's attorney would have found one.

Look, Pee-Wee. Just drop it. It was a stupid crime. Hardly anyone thought it was worth the hoopla. We certainly don't think any less of you now. Let it go.

Just. Let. It. Go.

(And get back to making that new movie. I totally can't wait!)