14 April 2008

You (Insomnia And A Busy Mind. (Have To Love It. (Three Separate Thoughts.)))

I love you. I don't know where the road, if there is one, leads with you. I know what direction I would like for it to take but I have no control over you or the cosmic forces of the universe. And thus I am stunned into stillness. What am I to do? I don't know either.

I love you too. I've loved you deeper than I've loved any one else to date. Yet, for all I've done and I've tried to show, you've painted me into this corner. I allowed you to do so. There's no going back; the past is the past. And here I am. Loving you. And hating you. And hating myself for feeling both for you. In the end, I want you to be happy. With that, I hope to be content, as far as you and I stand.

And finally you. You seem to always be of divided minds. I don't know how to help you find your way. We've worked on this for you for a very long time. You seem to keep your ground. But I know you'll find your happiness one day. For your sake, I hope it's sooner rather than later. You'll forgive me, though, if I don't hold my breath.

You ... you who are reading this and who may be thinking that this post is about you ... you are held very dear to me and close to my heart, for better or worse. You are a big part of who I am today; for that you will keep that special place in my heart. Even if we never speak again, I will always thank you for the gift you've given me. I hope that we can find the appropriate places that we should maintain in our respective lives. If we don't, I know that the loss will be mine.

I'm tired. Of fighting. Of obsessing. Of running this track, lap after lap. I've decided to let it all go. Everything will fall where it is meant to fall. I will then assess what is what and where is where and continue on.

13 comments:

Basilio Q Bocalan Jr said...

I love and hate it when you get cryptic!!! -LOL

Anonymous said...

Dear District Diaries,

I'm sure if anyone else has kept tabs on both yours and Tuffie's blogs for as long as I have, and has taken in both yours and his points of view on the very complex and I'll selfishly admit, entertaining, aspects of your relationship I think can say that despite all the drama between the two of you that you truly do love one another.

He's never gotten over you DD. Anyone who reads his blogs can clearly see that through his words. Yes, even after he found someone else, he's still waiting for you to figure out that he's, in fact, waiting for you so you'd go get him.

But you've scared yourself into a circle of self-destruction and fear brought on by your endless well of patience hoping at some point in time you will know exactly what do to about him/this situation and your love for him that hasn't come yet, and you're now wondering if it ever will.

Do him and yourself and favor and do what we all know you should have done a long time ago: go get him.

A Fan.

The Diarist said...

I think I need to write a bit more clearly here. While love is definitely the common thread here, this post dealt with three very separate thoughts (thus the title).

If I were to want to revisit my past, I wouldn't initiate it on my blog. I would tell Tuffie, face to face, something along the lines of "Hey, I think we should try again". While I love Tuffie (and always will), that ship has sailed.

Tuffie said...

Aww someone needs to read more clearly me thinks

o_O

The Knowledgemonger said...

I seem to have forgotten my encryption key at home. Or perhaps rather, I comprehend bits and pieces of this, but ultimately I have no idea.

I like puzzles though.

The Knowledgemonger said...

BTW....the "mutual friend" is always here for you if you need him :-)

Tuffie said...

you'll have to like puzzles if you plan to get to know DD.

he is a walking, talking, living, breathing puzzle.

i think i got most of the corners down but there is still a lot of the middle i haven't figured out just yet.

maybe some day

o_O

The Diarist said...

Decoder rings can be found in specially marked boxes of Grape-Nuts Cereal.

The Knowledgemonger said...

Why Grape Nuts? Couldn't you get a better cereal sponsor...I like ccccceeeereal!

The grape nut is neither a grape nor a nut, discuss.

The Diarist said...

Who eats Grape-Nuts? Who got this post?

Notice a correlation?

Tuffie said...

Si, i like potatoes!

do they even make Grape-Nuts anymore? I thought it was recalled because it turned out to be nothing more then ground up cardboard!

Mmmmm cardboard and milk

o_O

The Knowledgemonger said...

I don't know who likes Grape Nuts, but I believe I know who owns a Decoder Ring. So, I may be able to falsely use logic to tie the two together.

I thought it was Muslix that was short for cardboard in the cereal world.

The Diarist said...

I'm not aware of anyone with a functioning decoder ring. So this ought to be mighty interesting.