- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30?
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- We know exactly where one cow with Mad Cow Disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?
Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers - what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.