My Blogging State Of Mind Lately

Friday Afternoon Funny

Laughter is the best medicine.

It cures a multitudes of ills ... physical, mental, emotional. It elevates the weight of stress and the daily grind. It's addictive and infectious and comforting. And it's free.

So here is my Friday gift to you. Laugh along (I defy you to do otherwise).

UPDATE: 09/24/2010 16:08: I was having issues with the video and have removed it. So just follow this link and enjoy.

Burning Bush Not A Sign From God

Okay, okay. I know! This story is not funny. Someone actually getting hurt is not funny. Nearly going blind is not funny.

But someone personally purchasing something called a firestick plant for his landscaping, pruning said plant, and immediately rubbing his eyes before thoroughly washing his hands ... c'mon, that's the kind of stuff that's just made for television.

So here's a lesson for you home gardeners: When gardening, wash your hands before touching your face ... or any other sensitive part of your body. (Surely that could have been one of the commandments.)

Caption This

I saw this picture on The Washington Times website and thought this should make for some entertaining captions by my faithful readers. (Hello? Is anyone out there?) So have at it.



Allow me to start:

"$787 billion in tax dollars spent on jump-starting the economy with nothing to show. Unemployment is at 9.6%, despite my promise to keep it under 8%. Iran is brashly pursuing nuclear weapons. Health insurance reform is the law of the land all across America, against the will of the American people. My Justice Department is suing the state of Arizona while letting the New Black Panther Party off Scot free. Not bad for a couple years' work."

Have You Heard The One About ...

Okay, here's an oldie-but-goodie for you:

Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

A: The party-pooping scientist!

The Stella Awards

I got an email today from a friend about this year's Stella Awards. I found the email so funny that I was going to post it on here. Unfortunately, while quite humorous, the list was totally bogus. So I found the real site with the real awards. And now, here for your ready pleasure, are the latest (2007) Stella Awards Runners-Up and Winner. (And, believe me, you'll love the winner since he's a hometown boy.)

The TRUE Stella Awards -- 2007 Winners
by Randy Cassingham
Issued February 2008

Unlike the FAKE cases that have been highly circulated online for the last several years (see http://www.StellaAwards.com/bogus.html for details), the following cases have been researched from public sources and are confirmed TRUE by the ONLY legitimate source for the Stella Awards: http://www.StellaAwards.com. To confirm this copy is legitimate, see http://www.StellaAwards.com/2007.html.

-v-

2007 Runners-Up and Winner:

#3: Sentry Insurance Company.

The company provided worker's compensation insurance for a Wisconsin "Meals on Wheels" program. Delivering a meal, a MoW volunteer (who was allegedly not even wearing boots) slipped and fell on a participant's driveway that had been cleared of snow, and Sentry had to pay to care for her resulting injuries. Sentry wanted its money back, so it sued the 81-year-old homeowner getting the Meals on Wheels service. It could have simply filed for "subrogation" from her homeowner's insurance company, but by naming her in the action, it dragged an old lady into court, reinforcing the image of insurance companies as concerned only about the bottom line, not "protecting" policyholders from loss.

#2: The family of Robert Hornbeck.

Hornbeck volunteered for the Army and served a stint in Iraq. After getting home, he got drunk, wandered into a hotel's service area (passing "DANGER" warning signs), crawled into an air conditioning unit, and was severely cut when the machinery activated. Unable to care for himself due to his drunkenness, he bled to death. A tragedy, to be sure, but one solely caused by a supposedly responsible adult with military training. Despite his irresponsible behavior -- and his perhaps criminal trespassing -- Hornbeck's family sued the hotel for $10 million, as if it's reasonably foreseeable that some drunk fool would ignore warning signs and climb into its heavy duty machinery to sleep off his bender.

But those pale in comparison to...

THE WINNER of the 2007 Stella Award: Roy L. Pearson Jr.

The 57-year-old Administrative Law Judge from Washington DC claims that a dry cleaner lost a pair of his pants, so he sued the mom-and-pop business for $65,462,500. That's right: more than $65 million for one pair of pants. Representing himself, Judge Pearson cried in court over the loss of his pants, whining that there certainly isn't a more compelling case in the District archives. But the Superior Court judge wasn't moved: he called the case "vexatious litigation", scolded Judge Pearson for his "bad faith", and awarded damages to the dry cleaners. But Pearson didn't take no for an answer: he's appealing the decision. And he has plenty of time on his hands, since he was dismissed from his job. Last we heard, Pearson's appeal is still pending.

Copyright 2008 www.StellaAwards.com -- this message may be forwarded as long as it remains complete and unaltered.

Ah ... Disturbing Commercials I Love ... From Quizno's

A recent status update on a certain social networking site stated the following: "[User Name] is wondering if anyone else finds the Quiznos commercials a tad ... inappropriate?" The commercial to which this user is referring is this one:



It's not the only Quizno's commercial running right now. In fact, it's one of three (from my latest counts) involving the toaster oven and Scott. But watching them reminded me of another Quizno's commercial that was disturbing ... and yet I also loved it:



Again, while this was not the only Quizno's commercial involving the Spongmonkeys, but it was the best.

Or how about this oldie but goodie:



Ah. Good times. But before you think that I'm a fan of all of Quizno's commercials, there was one line of commercials that I just could not stand.



There's something wrong about a talking baby with a smoker's voice. There's something even more gross about a grown woman flirting with a baby.

Am I alone here? What are your favorite or most hated commercials?

Cloud Computing ... Do You Know What It Is?

I can tell you this much ... it's not this ...

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

1. Life is sexually transmitted.
2. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
3. Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
5. Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30?
9. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10. We know exactly where one cow with Mad Cow Disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

Bonus Thought:
Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers - what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.