A lot of people know me. But not many people know me. And of those few numbers, perhaps maybe three people know me. That is because I find it hard to trust people with those most intimate parts of me. It's something I've tried to work on, with minor success. After all of these years, I am still a work in progress.
Because of my lack of emotion and because of the distance I keep from people, I've been described as robotic, soulless, Vulcan. I understand those tags but I just don't agree with them. (I feel very deeply though you just wouldn't know it.) Still, there are times when I become so frustrated with my life and hurt by the things in it that I "shut down". I can't explain in my own words what I think, what I go through internally, when I close off.
An album by Nine Inch Nails titled The Downward Spiral speaks to me. But a particular song explains my consciousness at those moments of distance very well. It is in the buildup of tension and confusion among the music and sound effects. It is in the sudden calm in the middle, then the sudden calamity, then the sudden calm again at the end. It is in the lyrics, with such example:
The me that you know, he used to have feelings.
But the blood has stopped pumping and he is left to decay.
The me that you know is now made up of wires;
And even when I'm right with you, I'm so far away.
I don't know what Trent Reznor was thinking when he wrote this song. I haven't been able to find anything anywhere where Mr. Reznor explains the song. So it is open to interpretation. You've read mine. Now here is the song.
WARNING: In case you missed it, this is Nine Inch Nails. Trent Reznor isn't known for writing idyllic tunes about clouds and puppies. This song may be disturbing to the sensitive. You have been warned.