25 December 2008

This Christmas

I've been home from my family's for a couple hours now. This has been, by far, the most difficult Christmas I've ever had. See, it's been about 14 hours since "the kick in the gut". I went down there around 3p with my brave face and everything started out well enough. I stayed strong and no one was really the wiser. That is until my sister Tammye put on a video of Christmas 2004 ... the Christmas that you, your sister, and your nieces attended. It took all the willpower I could muster to not lose it right there in the living room, seeing you, seeing me, seeing us all having a wonderful time. It was obvious to more than a couple of my siblings that something was wrong. But you know me; I said nothing.

I can't say that I am anywhere close to understanding what happened between when I left last night and when you posted your blog and sent me your email this morning. I wish I could hate you. I wish I could cut you off completely from my life. It would certainly make thing so much easier to be cold-hearted right now.

But I can't. See, everything I've said to you is true and will remain so until I can learn to see a new path to travel.

This is not something I ever wanted for myself. I never saw us as reliving the past. I could only see my future with you. It is a vision that will be incredibly difficult and immensely painful to let go.

I dread doing it.

This is not quite the Christmas present I asked Santa for.

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