26 November 2008

Personal Musings

It's been a while since I've posted anything personal on here. That was by design. But I have something on my mind and heart that I think would be healthier shared. Not even I can keep everything bottled up.

All too often my heart and my soul are shuttered off to the world. I tend to be clueless, sometimes bordering oblivious. I spend far too much time concerned for others to the point that I cause damage in my own life. I have high highs and low lows and there is rarely ground between them. I love deeply and fiercely, but I rarely ever show it to those I love. When I fall, I fall hard and it takes a long time to get back up. I am almost always alone yet I have great difficulties with being alone. I do incredibly stupid things at the most inopportune moments (*coughlastnightcough*)

Why are you sharing this?, you may be wondering.

For many years up until now, my definition of myself included someone else. I knew who I was when I had him, when I was with him. I was happy. Unfortunately, recent events have me thinking that I may not have him anymore. So all I have is me. I don't like this person I see. He's unhappy with his life, scared of unknowns, insecure of himself, unsure of what direction to go and what moves to make. He's everything I don't want to be yet am.

How can I give you what you want, how can I get what I want, being this person that I am? How do I change things that are so entrenched in my personality? How do I become a better me, a me that you want above all others?

I don't have these answers and I don't know where to start to find them.

1 comment:

Aris said...

Wow. Very powerful post. Even though I come from the perspective of being single to date, I can relate with everything you wrote.

What my friends are trying to impress upon me is that I need to love myself. We all do. And like you, I have many of the same feelings and fears. It's something that I thought moving to Seattle would unleash something inside of me to help me work on this issue. So far, it hasn't happened. But I'm coming to a crossroads where you and I both need to do the same thing.

I'm here until Tuesday. If you ever want to talk, you have my number. In any case, see you at SNK.

Love ya!