I'm in a bad way.
I'm a creature ruled by reason, led by logic, controlled by his head. Yet here I find myself in a position in which I didn't plan or really want to be. It wasn't so long ago that I was abandoned and didn't know it until too late. That feeling of rejection, after giving my lifeblood for so long, was such a heavy weight to carry. I thought I would carry it well into my forties. But here, now, I find myself at a crossroads.
On the one side, I can walk with reckless abandon. I can release my pain to the universe and accept redemption.
On the other side, I can shut myself further inside this self-imposed box and feed on my personal darkness.
And straight ahead, I can allow healing to a point. I can swallow those most intimate and exposing parts and only give what is easily seen.
I want to say what should be said. I want to give the opportunity a chance. One can never know the thoughts of others unless one takes the risk.
But I do not want to be the only one climbing out on that limb. I had been left out there alone before when it was cut.
I don't know what to do here.
I am paralyzed with indecision.