For One Night - EXPLICIT

My soul is tired. My spirit is broken and cannot pull itself back together again. Goddamned horses and men. Some days it is all that I can do to keep my brave face. But this cannot last for much longer. The strength I once had is diminished.

For one night, I want to feel weak and cry until my eyes bleed. For one night, I want someone to hold me - not to fuck but to fucking be there. For one night, I want someone to say, "I know you are strong, but you cannot be strong always. Rest on me. Let me hold back the hurt for you for tonight." For one night, I want to be swallowed in my sorrow. For one motherfucking night, I want to be someone other than myself.

Maybe, just maybe then, when the sun rises on the morning after that one night, I can finally leave this darkness ... this dankness that has been hanging on me like an oversized trench-coat ... I can leave it all on the floor where I can capture it in the vacuum and throw it out with the onion skins and empty milk cartons and shredded junk mail.

World AIDS Day 2007

Join Whitman-Walker Clinic for World AIDS Day. Remember those lost. Cherish those still living. Renew hope for a future free of HIV/AIDS. Whitman-Walker Clinic's observances for World AIDS Day are as follows:

Annual Candlelight Vigil. Friday, Nov. 30, at 5:30 pm at Dupont Circle. Candles and holders provided.

On Thursday, Nov. 29, Kimpton Hotels will host "Red Hot Night” in the Nation's Capital, with a World AIDS Day fundraiser at Urbana Restaurant & Wine Bar at Hotel Palomar, 2121 P Street, NW, at 6:00 pm. All proceeds will benefit Whitman-Walker Clinic.

Free HIV testing will be available on Friday, Nov. 30, at the Elizabeth Taylor Medical Center, 1701 14th Street, NW, from 8:30 am-5:00 pm; at the Max Robinson Center, 2301 Martin Luther King Jr. Avenue, SE, from 9:30 am-4:00 pm; and at Whitman-Walker Clinic of Northern Virginia, 5232 Lee Highway in Arlington, from 8:00 am-5:00 pm.

The “Our Heroes” photo exhibit will be on display at the Metropolitan Community Church, 464 Ridge Street, NW, and on Dec. 1 at the Human Rights Campaign, 1640 Rhode Island Avenue, NW.

Late Night (Early Morning) Confessional

You would think that a post at 2:50 AM would have been written by a drunk person. Fortunately that is not the case. So here it is - my confessional:

1. I am in love with someone who isn't in love with me.
2. I still seek the approval of people who are no longer around to grant it.
3. I am stung to my soul by words that I should be able to shrug off.
4. I don't have the capacity to be selfish; others are always put first.
5. I feel every second of my age.
6. I cry. Often. When no one else is around.
7. I have goals but am far too lazy and/or discouraged to achieve them.
8. I would rather be a singer.
9. I am kinder to people than I should be.
10. I am still haunted by the ghost of a lover past.

Are You Ready For The Holidays?

A casual stroll through the local mall should remind you that Christmas is coming and you'd better be getting ready.

I was at my gym this evening and had just finished a very trying run. I stepped around to where the towels were because, you know, I had to wipe my sweaty mess off of the elliptical I used. I turned the corner and there he was. Father Christmas. On a treadmill. At first I was a bit confused. Isn't Saint Nick supposed to have a belly like a bowl full of jelly? According to myth, yes. But then I thought ... athletes have to train for their events, right? It makes sense that the man who has to deliver presents to all the good children of the world in one night also needs to be in peak condition. He may still be round, but I bet he's in great cardio shape.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And the Jolly Ol' Elf is getting in shape for the big day.

MSNBC Asks "What Really Killed the Dinosaurs?"

What really killed the dinosaurs? I'll give you a hint. It was death.

A Bit of Self-Assessment

NOTE: All conversations are being drawn from memory and may not be quoted exactly right, but the meaning is the same.

Last week ... Halloween night, of all nights ... I was out with some friends, one of whom I haven't spent time with in over a year. In fact, the last time I spent time with this particular friend, he was going through a difficult time and I gave him a place to crash for a little bit.

We reminisced about that point in his life. During our walk down memory lane, he looked at me and said, "Thank you for helping me out then. You really have no idea how difficult that period of my life was and how much that little act of kindess helped me get through it. It put me where I am today, in a much better place. And here you are again doing it for someone else."

That brief interaction hit me hard. I spent the rest of the night in a funk, although I'm sure no one around me knew it. I couldn't help but think that maybe, perhaps, I am destined to remain single all the rest of my days acting as a guide, a Samaritan for those I come across who need a helping hand to pull them out of the dark places in which they may find themselves.

I should have taken it as a compliment. It should have gladdened my heart. It should have lifted my spirits. But it didn't. I felt sorrier for myself. I felt more alone.

Seven days have passed since that night. I have had the benefit of space to reflect on it and its meaning.

And I've come to the realization that it is a good thing. What I did for him. What I'm doing for someone else now. My role in this world.

Fortune may smile on me one day and deliver to me someone who can love me, put up with me, stand by me, break me down and build me up. But if that should never come to pass I am still fortunate.

I have a lot of love to give. And I have chosen to freely give that love to those who need it. It no longer matters to me how long or how short their stop in my life is. It no longer matters to me if our relationship is platonic or romantic or simply in-passing.

It only matters to me that I can give. And I will gladly do so.