Christmas Stuff

I have been listening to the radio (WASH-FM to be specific) the past few days and have been enjoying the Christmas tunes they've been playing. For the most part. It reminded me of some posts I wrote last year that I thought I'd share with you again this year.

My Least Favorite Christmas Songs:

• Number 5
  
• Number 4
  
• Number 3
  
• Number 2
  
• Number 1

My Most Favorite Christmas Songs:

• Number 5
  
• Number 4
  
• Number 3
  
• Number 2
  
• Number 1

What are yours? Please let me know in the comments.

Since I'm Awake - Ten Random Thoughts

1. Insomnia is evil and needs to be destroyed. Where's the government funding for this project?
   
2. Feelings and emotions are necessary elements of life. But it doesn't mean I have to like them.
3. "Notes From The Frozen Bar" on The Knowledgemonger's site is an absolute Must Read!
4. Dance music doesn't have the same affect outside of the nightclub.
5. Did I mention that insomnia sucks?
6. Sharing feelings and emotions is even worse than having them. I mean, c'mon, who wrote these rules? Isn't there an annual peer review process?
7. "Hey, hey ... we're da Monkees. People say we monkey 'round. What of it?"
8. Insomnia. Yeah.
9. Having music playing in a vehicle that all passengers can hear is an absolute necessity.
10. I'm not one to wax poetic or drop clichés but. Love is a rare resource in this world. Share it when you have it. Recognize it when you see it. Accept it when you feel it.

Social Rules Of Behavior [EXPLICIT]

I feel it is my bounded duty to point out some rules of behavior to those of you how are ... how shall I say ... inter-personally challenged. Follow these simple start-up rules and you'll be well on your way to social butterfly in no time!

1. If you see two or more people engaged in conversation, do not ... I repeat, do not ... interrupt; it's fucking rude! If you do feel the uncontrollable urge to be an asshole, at least do not exclude any of the current party from the now forced-upon conversation. Doing so puts you in douchebag company, a label hard to shake.
   
2. If someone is sitting, standing, and so forth by themselves it is not because they are lonely; if they were lonely, they would talk to you. No, the reason they are apart from everyone else is because, surprise, they want to be left alone. Please grant them their wish. They will thank you for it.
   
3. The easiest way to see if someone wishes to talk to you would be to offer them a drink. If they refuse the offer, you have your answer.
   
4. Make a space for folks to walk by. If you want to dance, use the goddamn dance floor. That's why they spent so much money building one, dick.
   
5. No one wants to see you make out all night. Go the fuck home already.
   
6. A nightclub is no place to pout all night. You aren't going to get a sympathy fuck from anyone ... or more to the point, you wouldn't want a sympathy fuck from anyone in a nightclub who would offer you one.

There you have it. Go and be sociable.

Random Randomness

1. My boys need new nicknames. I'll be putting thought to that.
2. Drunk people are funny. Except for when they're not. Then they're just tragic. And that's a fine line, kids.
3. People still do not know how to behave in elevators. Allow me to refresh your memory on what appropriate behavior is.
4. My favorite springtime poem since childhood, author unknown:

The spring has sprung, the grass has ris'. I wonder where de boidies is? Dey say de boid is on de wing, but dat's absoid. De wing is on de boid!

5. Battlestar Galactica is the best science fiction television series ever. And if you disagree, you're wrong. And a freedom-hating Communazislamofascist. And make the baby Jesus cry. Shame on you.
6. A man who has stopped making friends is a man who has stopped living.
7. I'm addicted to this show. Don't judge me too harshly. (There's no trend here. Really. Because ...)
8. I'm also addicted to this show and this show.
9. I still want one of these.
10. My seats rock! Yes, you may be jealous. And I have an extra seat for Thursday 01 May 2008 19:00 and Thursday 05 June 2008 19:00. Please form a single line, and I do take bribes.

Like, Total Randomness, Y'know?

1. I am treated far too kindly by people who barely know me.
2. I love my ex and am saddened that we find ourselves where we are today.
3. There is too much unsettlement in my life at the moment.
4. Waiting for other things to happen so I can proceed sucks (and not in a good way).
5. Mario Spinetti rocks my socks. (Hey, Mario, where's the full-length album already?)
6. I still hate exercising. Cardio sucks. (But waiting still sucks more.)
7. Jim Zorn? Okay, if you say so. We'll see how that works out. At least I have something to be excited about right now.
8. I'm already hoping that Obama wins the White House so that, after his first veto, I can start using my newly coined term ... Barak-ade©! (As in, the latest bill passed by Congress was Barak-aded© by the White House.)

Elevator Etiquette

Elevators are a necessary evil. We all have to use them at some point and none of us are terribly excited about sharing such close quarters with complete strangers. That said, please show some respect to your fellow riders by showing the following courtesies.

1. Do not fart on the elevator. Ever.
2. Hold the door for those coming in behind you. Immediately walking to the back and looking at the floor does not abdicate you of this. You aren't the only one who has to use this thing, you selfish prick.
3. Unless you have some physical disability or limitation, do not take the elevator for trips of fewer than two floors. It pisses people off. Really.
4. Save those disturbing personal conversations for other small enclosed areas ... like your office.
5. Your cell phone won't work in the elevator. Put it away.

Your friends, coworkers, and other assorted persons thank you in advance.

Most Favorite Christmas Song #1

My Number One Most Favorite Christmas Song is one of the most widely recognized Christmas songs ever.

It is performed by choirs, by orchestras, and even by popular bands. It is played on radio stations spanning classical music to hard rock.

It conjures images of snowfall and cozy fires and midnight masses. It warms the heart and brightens the face. It, quite possibly more than any other song for this holiday season, puts one in the Christmas spirit.

Song Number One is the quintessential Christmas tune. It is "Carol Of The Bells".

You can hear it here (Windows Media Player required).

Most Favorite Christmas Song #2

I might lose some of you on my final two picks because they aren't popular recordings or standard carols. But they are Christmas songs nonetheless and I happen to enjoy them both very much. (I have also had the pleasure of performing them as well, which endears them to me even more so.)

Song Number Two on the list is a choral piece by Ralph Vaughn Williams called "Wassail". It's a four-part choral arrangement (that would be "written for soprano, alto, tenor, and bass" for those of you not in-the-know out there) that takes off in a very light-spirited romp from the beginning for the duration of the song. It's a fun listen and it's fun to sing.

You can hear it here (RealAudio required).

Most Favorite Christmas Song #3

Written in 1864, the next song was a penned cry of sorrow from its author. Song Number Three on the most favorite list is "I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. There are three different arrangements of this song, but my favorite was composed by Johnny Marks.

The words are teeming with gloom. While the rarely-sung fourth and fifth stanzas refer to the Civil War, we can still use them as metaphors for all the tumult in the world today. The song's sadness crescendos with the following stanza:

And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

But it's the next verse that is the reason this song resonates so strongly with me. After all hope seemed lost, after the last flicker of goodness seemed extinguished, this is how Longfellow ends:

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep,
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep!
The wrong shall fail,
The right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men!"

To truly feel the despair and the hope conveyed in this song, I strongly recommend that you listen to the Harry Belafonte recording.

Most Favorite Christmas Song #4

It's difficult, nearly impossible, to write a Christmas song that can stand the test of time and compare to the Christmas favorites of years past. So many present-day recording stars have tried their hands at making a Christmastime classic; the vast majority of these attempts have failed miserably. So it is a thing of joyous rapture when we get to witness someone hit one out of the park. Thirteen years ago, we were treated to such an occurrence.

Yes, this song is extremely commercial. In fact, as Christmas songs go, it may very well be one of the highest consistently charting songs ever recorded (based on these statistics). But its commercial success does not distract from its simple beauty, joy, and message -- that, in the end, love and companionship is what most of us want more than anything else at this time of year.

My Number Four favorite Christmas song is a little ditty recorded by Mariah Carey titled "All I Want For Christmas Is You".

Most Favorite Christmas Song #5

My Number Five favorite Christmas song brings a smile to my face every time I hear it. It doesn't matter how foul the mood, how evil the weather, or how bad the day. Just one listen to this song and everything is right with the world again.

Besides, how can you not grin when you hear "hippopotamuseses"?

That's right, starting the Most Favorite Christmas Song list is "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas". It's about as cheery a song as you can possibly get.

(Hippopotamuseses ... *giggle*)

Least Favorite Christmas Song #1

Here it is, folks, my Number One Least Favorite Christmas Song! I can feel your relief radiating through my monitor right now. So let's get to it, shall we?

It was 23 years ago that this lump of pious coal was left in our stocking. We couldn't blame Santa for this because this was the 1980's and we were all so busy saving the whales and the rain-forest and ... oh yes ...

... Africa.

Our eyes were turned over the Atlantic Ocean to the devastation occurring in the East African country of Ethiopia. This song was written as a way to raise funds for the people of Ethiopia -- a very noble sentiment and one that raised around $144 million in its first incarnation. It saw life again in 1989 and again in 2004 (money raised in 2004 went to humanitarian aid for Sudan), where millions more were raised. Not bad for a crappy song.

If you haven't guessed already, the song is "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid (and Band Aid II and Band Aid 20), written by Sir Bob Geldof and Midge Ure. Don't get me wrong, the causes for which it was recorded are laudable. But the song ... oh, the song. Let's look at some lyrics.

It's Christmastime
There's no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

So far so good.

But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

Uh-oh. I feel a sermon coming on.

There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging
chimes of doom

Um, being a bit overly-dramatic aren't we, Mr. Geldof? I'm sure you could have found a better phrasing than equating Christmas bells to clanging chimes of doom. Certainly a wordsmith such as yourself could have done this more poetic justice, yes?

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

WHOA! For a song that's supposed to marshall the financial troops, I'm not sure that a "better you than me" attitude is really appropriate. I thought the idea here was to feel a pang of sympathy for the people we're supposed to be helping, not superiority.

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime

I would normally let a line like this pass since, with a land mass as large as Africa, it must snow somewhere sometime. However, this song was written for the people of Ethiopia. And snowfall in Ethiopia isn't what one would call a routine experience.

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

The Christian ones probably do. Not so much the Muslim ones.

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

I can't knock these lines. I'm all for toasting someone. And I've already commented on whether they know it's Christmas or not.

Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmastime again

Again. I'm sure the Christians would appreciate the reminder. I'm also sure the Muslim population couldn't care.

Because it's Christmastime, a time for giving, it is not enough for me to share my thoughts on my Number One Least Favorite Christmas Song. No. In the spirit of the season, I will offer you this little trinket and allow you to come to your own decision. Enjoy!

Least Favorite Christmas Song #2

My least favorite Christmas song Number Two, which is technically not a Christmas song at all, comes from one of my least favorite musicals. But it has become a seasonal standard due to its imagery (and perhaps even its title). What is this horrid song, you might be wondering? Why none other than "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music.

Oh, I know I'll catch flack for this one because so-o-o-o many people enjoy this song (and this musical).

Here is the one and only reason it has made this list ... it's not a song of, about, or for Christmas in any way, shape, or form! In the movie version of the musical (you know, the one shown non-stop on television at this time of year), this song is sung to comfort the children during a thunderstorm. A thunderstorm ... which, in Austria, occurs during ... the summer!

Really, people, get over it already. Sheesh.

Least Favorite Christmas Song #3

The last thing I want to hear at Christmas is whining, which is why "Last Christmas" by WHAM! made our Number Three. Look no further than the opening lines (which also happens to be the chorus) for enough kvetching to last all of Chanukah and Christmas and Yule and Kwanzaa and Winter Solstice and whatever other festival you want to throw in there during this time of year:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special.

"I'll give it to someone special"? Wasn't the person to whom you gave it last year special? What makes you think we won't have to hear your bellyaching next year because the new Mr. Special decided to return your gift, too?

Ugh.

Least Favorite Christmas Song #4

You would think that a catchy tune wouldn't appear on the list but our entry at Number Four is the most famous Hispanic Christmas song ever, "Feliz Navidad" by José Feliciano. It earns a spot on my list for two reasons:

1. It is repetitious ... unforgivably so ... brain-damagingly so ... in the same way that this song is repetitious.
2. The lyrics are a lesson in lazy song-writing. Seriously. Look at the words. They consist of two ... count them two ... lines. That's it.

Least Favorite Christmas Song #5

At Number Five, everyone's least favorite Christmastime song (or at least it should be) is "The Twelve Days of Christmas".

It's pervasive ubiquitousness during the holiday season and the impression that singing the song will literally take twelve days to complete are enough to land it on the list. But the real reason why it's here is best explained by my favorite Executive/Action Transvestite:

That “Partridge in a pear tree” song, the only bit we like of it is that, (singing) "Five gold rings!" People go berserk at that point! People come running in from other rooms, (singing) "Five gold rings!" The rest of it, we don't know; above that, it's just, (singing, uncertain) "Twelve… monkeys mating, eleven… donkeys dancing, ten pigmies farming, nine… socks… a swimming… (certain) five gold rings!" This is a human thing. We only like to learn a little bit of a song. We can't be bothered, yeah.

Lists That Will Span Several Days

I've decided that in the spirit of the season I will list my five favorite and five least favorite songs of the season. We'll start with my five least favorites and then, logically, my five favorites. Both lists will be done in no particular order and will start tomorrow. I do hope you enjoy.