Patience

I have patience in spades.

Patience, as defined by Dictionary.com, means, among other things, "quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care". Patience, when supported by wisdom and decisiveness, is a powerful tool to possess. It allows one to bide time, view all options, weigh all facts, and come to a reasoned and researched and (hopefully) positive result.

But when patience stands alone, it is nothing more than glorified procrastination. Stupidity and uncertainty abound. Opportunities slide out of hand. Situations that should have ended continue on their poisonous path.

I am often accused of being indecisive, of taking too long to follow a course of action. In reflection, I have found that this is more often true than not. While I always strive to practice the first type of patience, I do not always hit that mark. I wait too long. I weigh my options until all options are gone. And in the end I am either left holding an empty bag or a bag of shit.

I have been working to alter this flaw in myself. It is quite difficult, as it has become second nature to me. But I have begun to set agendas and follow through. My next lesson is to discover what is actionable by me and what is up to others to perform ... and to push for a conclusion from them so that I can contemplate and make my next move.

I make life sound like chess.

I suppose in some ways it is. I make a move then wait for you to make your move so that I can reassess the situation and make another move. Except rarely in life are there ever checkmates. We play to a stalemate, reset the board, and start a new game. (But this is a topic for another post ... preferably on someone else's blog. I'm not so good with this cerebral philosophical stuff.)

What's my point in all of this? I don't rightly know. Perhaps my loyal readers can help me out in the comments section.

The Past Week - Books And Strings And Things

So, last week the PowerBook crapped out. I had to have the hard drive and the SDRAM replaced. Fortunately, the total cost (parts, labor, and shipping) was under $350. Not bad. It's still a little flakey so I'll have to take it back in to have them check the OS. (I think it may not be installed properly.)

I've been job hunting for over a year. It has only been in the past month, knowing that I would become unemployed at the end of the month, that my contacts have been working hard to help me find something. I'm sure they were working hard before (*cough cough*). After many stressful days, I can proudly say that I will have continuing employment. I've accepted a position that will challenge me and continue my growth in the IT security field. Celebrating will start tonight and continue to the end of the month. (Woo-hoo!)

Monday and Tuesday, I was in New York City with my roommate and a friend of ours. We went up to see a singer/songwriter who is pretty much just starting out in a show up there. There is much to say about that trip, which will be done in a separate post.

I also have some personal shtuff to vent. That will also be done in yet another separate post.

For now, rejoice in the return of the newly improved PowerBook and the landing of a new job.

Talk Of The Town

I like attention. I like having all eyes on me. I like being the topic of conversation. Except when it's for reasons other than my rugged good looks, my smarmy charm, and my disarming humor.

Let me just put this out there for whomever it may concern:

I am glad to discuss things of utmost importance. I will talk about the demons between us that should be exorcised. (Because, let's face it, who wants fat demons?) I will be happy to kick about the various ways we can end world hunger, join all religions in the ultimate Kumbaya, and be the salve for the pains of all people. I would even consider opining at length about the state of politics, finance, and health care in the world today. We can hold these debates at any coffee shop or restaurant of our choosing.

But I will never again have a serious conversation within the confines of a House of Music. I am there to enjoy a drink (or four), forget my daily stresses, and *perhaps* dance a bit. If approached on a serious topic, I will simply walk away.

I hope we are all clear on this.

Like, Total Randomness, Y'know?

1. I am treated far too kindly by people who barely know me.
2. I love my ex and am saddened that we find ourselves where we are today.
3. There is too much unsettlement in my life at the moment.
4. Waiting for other things to happen so I can proceed sucks (and not in a good way).
5. Mario Spinetti rocks my socks. (Hey, Mario, where's the full-length album already?)
6. I still hate exercising. Cardio sucks. (But waiting still sucks more.)
7. Jim Zorn? Okay, if you say so. We'll see how that works out. At least I have something to be excited about right now.
8. I'm already hoping that Obama wins the White House so that, after his first veto, I can start using my newly coined term ... Barak-ade©! (As in, the latest bill passed by Congress was Barak-aded© by the White House.)

Say A Little Prayer

I don't know in what god you believe. I don't know in what you place your faith. I don't know to whom you pray.

Whatever your spiritual calling (or non-calling) happens to be, my household could really use whatever positive energy you can send this way.

Thank you in advance.

A Bit of Self-Assessment

NOTE: All conversations are being drawn from memory and may not be quoted exactly right, but the meaning is the same.

Last week ... Halloween night, of all nights ... I was out with some friends, one of whom I haven't spent time with in over a year. In fact, the last time I spent time with this particular friend, he was going through a difficult time and I gave him a place to crash for a little bit.

We reminisced about that point in his life. During our walk down memory lane, he looked at me and said, "Thank you for helping me out then. You really have no idea how difficult that period of my life was and how much that little act of kindess helped me get through it. It put me where I am today, in a much better place. And here you are again doing it for someone else."

That brief interaction hit me hard. I spent the rest of the night in a funk, although I'm sure no one around me knew it. I couldn't help but think that maybe, perhaps, I am destined to remain single all the rest of my days acting as a guide, a Samaritan for those I come across who need a helping hand to pull them out of the dark places in which they may find themselves.

I should have taken it as a compliment. It should have gladdened my heart. It should have lifted my spirits. But it didn't. I felt sorrier for myself. I felt more alone.

Seven days have passed since that night. I have had the benefit of space to reflect on it and its meaning.

And I've come to the realization that it is a good thing. What I did for him. What I'm doing for someone else now. My role in this world.

Fortune may smile on me one day and deliver to me someone who can love me, put up with me, stand by me, break me down and build me up. But if that should never come to pass I am still fortunate.

I have a lot of love to give. And I have chosen to freely give that love to those who need it. It no longer matters to me how long or how short their stop in my life is. It no longer matters to me if our relationship is platonic or romantic or simply in-passing.

It only matters to me that I can give. And I will gladly do so.

Personal Randomness

I can't expect you to understand this but ...

... when you've been rejected after (insert number here) years in a relationship that ends of no agreement of your own, you can't help but think that there is something wrong with you. It tints the way you look at life and people from that point onward, for right or wrong. That is where I stand right now.

I see myself in such a scewed way that no one would want me ... something that logically I know better.

What does one do in a like position?

Paralysis

I'm in a bad way.

I'm a creature ruled by reason, led by logic, controlled by his head. Yet here I find myself in a position in which I didn't plan or really want to be. It wasn't so long ago that I was abandoned and didn't know it until too late. That feeling of rejection, after giving my lifeblood for so long, was such a heavy weight to carry. I thought I would carry it well into my forties. But here, now, I find myself at a crossroads.

On the one side, I can walk with reckless abandon. I can release my pain to the universe and accept redemption.

On the other side, I can shut myself further inside this self-imposed box and feed on my personal darkness.

And straight ahead, I can allow healing to a point. I can swallow those most intimate and exposing parts and only give what is easily seen.

I want to say what should be said. I want to give the opportunity a chance. One can never know the thoughts of others unless one takes the risk.

But I do not want to be the only one climbing out on that limb. I had been left out there alone before when it was cut.

I don't know what to do here.

I am paralyzed with indecision.