Star Trek - The Spoiler-Free-ish Review

*** WARNING: While I won't be going into plot details, I may spill a hint or two about the movie. If you haven't yet seen the movie and you wish to be surprised when you do, you might want to stop reading this review now. But if you don't care, by all means, read away. ***

Star Trek has been a major part of the American psyche since 1966 and has permeated our lives in ways many of us don't even realize. Cell phones, Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI), speech translation devices and web sites, and GPS are all technologies that we have today thanks to the vision of Gene Roddenberry. Quotes such as "Live long, and prosper", "I'm a doctor, not a ...", "That is illogical", "Are you out of your Vulcan mind?", "He's dead, Jim", "There seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.", "Beam me up", and "Space, the final frontier ..." are part of our American vernacular. Everyone knows that the unfamiliar red-shirted security officer accompanying the main characters on an away mission will be the only person to die.

I said all of that to say this ... if you profess to know nothing of the original Star Trek universe, you're an idiot and a liar. The original series (and movies) set the tone, the pace, the humor, and the rules of interaction for its other Star Trek children. If you've seen Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager, or Star Trek: Enterprise then you've seen the original Star Trek series.

And I said all of that to say this ... the Star Trek of J.J. Abrams universe is not the Star Trek you've come to know, not completely.

In other words, forget about 90% of everything you've come to know about Star Trek. That universe has forever been altered.

I'm not going to go into details about the hows and whys because I would like to keep some mystery for those of you who have not yet seen the movie. Suffice it to say that time traveling is involved. Now I'm not fan of time travel as a plot device. I think it's lazy writing. Write yourself in a corner? Time travel! Run out of ideas? Time travel! Want to relive the past? Oh, now that's too easy. But this movie, this plot, this time travel ... these writers have incorporated it in a way ... the only way I've ever seen ... that says, "Yeah, we did this. And it will change everything." And, boy, does it ever!

Of course, there are things that will not change. The Kirk-Spock-McCoy ménage à trois bromance is not in full bloom, but the seeds have been sown. The crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise will become the close-knit family we've always known. And our favorite characters will continue to spout out those oh-so-famous catch-phrases we've come to know and love.

Trekkers and Trekkies, or anyone who is familiar with the original series, will be severely rewarded with little here-and-theres sprinkled throughout this film. Abrams, his writers, and his cast have tons of hat-tips to the original series and cast. Watch for nods to Star Trek: The Wrath Of Kahn, Star Trek: Enterprise, the original series pilot "The Cage", the TNG double episode "Unification", and the original series episode "The Trouble with Tribbles", to name a few. Also, the new actors pay homage to the original actors without becoming parrots or caricatures.

As a hardcore Trek fan (though far from being a Trekker/Trekkie), I'm pretty well versed in all things Trek. I've seen all the various series (except for that horrid Star Trek: Enterprise). I've seen all the movies. I get upset with things are not right or out of line with Roddenberry's vision.

Until this movie.

It's so well written, so well directed, and so well acted. And SO MUCH BLOODY FUN! Abrams has resurrected this dying franchise and is poised to shape it in his own image. And that's not a bad thing.

Do yourself a favor and go see it.

Another Site That Occupies My Time (EXPLICIT)

I have several sites that I frequent to escape the mundane reality of ... um ... reality. One of them is Zero Punctuation, a "groundbreaking video review series starring Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw". It's called "Zero Punctuation" because the reviews go by so quickly that you get the sense he did it in one breathless take (which we all know he didn't, thanks to modern technology). I get so much joy out of his reviews mostly due to his wicked sense of humor. But you have to listen carefully or you'll miss it.

Below is his most recent video game review. It's quite funny. But be sure to listen to it in a place where swearing is encouraged. If you like it, go check out his other reviews.

Watchmen - The Spoiler-Free-ish Review

*** WARNING: While I won't be going into plot details, I may spill a hint or two about the movie. If you haven't yet read the graphic novel or seen the movie and you wish to be surprised when you do, you might want to stop reading this review now. But if you don't care, by all means, read away. ***

This past Saturday, after sitting around the condo for most of the day, I got a bit bored and decided to do something I hadn't done in many months - go see a movie. Watchmen had just been released the day before and so I thought to myself, "Self," because that's what I call myself, "let us go watch Watchmen and see if it lives up to the hype or if it's the big disappointment that the pre-release reviews say it is." And so I went on Fandango, bought my ticket, printed it out, and trekked my way to the movie theater.

I arrived about forty minutes early (cutting it close, from what I've heard about the lines). Seeing the parking lot half empty, I felt safe in lighting up a smoke before entering the theater. I walked up to the ticket guy, handed him my pre-printed ticket, and entered the lobby.

I was immediately accosted by some fellow taking a survey on commercials shown before the movies. If you know me or if you're a faithful reader, you already know my position on commercials at the movies, but what was a couple minutes out of my life? What can I say, I was feeling generous.

So yes. Movie.

But first there were the previews, most of which, yet again, disappointed me greatly.

"Excuse me, sir." Ah ... the survey taker followed me into the theater! "I forgot to ask your age." I told him my age and, slightly startled, he replied, "Do you mind if I put you down as twenty-four years old? I didn't realize you were outside of the demographic."

Sure, dude. Knock yourself out.

Disappointing trailers. Yes. Littering my vision like ... well ... like litter, I suppose. Except for one. Where the first trailer was witty (as I commented on my other movie review last year), this trailer got me all sorts of excited. To quote Tuffie, "Finally the Star Trek series is going to be fun and explosive and [...] ENTERTAINING again for its entire fan base!" Amen and hallelujah.

Now to the movie.

I'm not a Watchmen fanboy. I've never read the graphic novel, though I will now to see what was edited or scripted out of the movie, as I did with The Lord Of The Rings trilogy ... as "epic" as a movie based on existing material can be, something important is always left out. Anyway, I was walking into this movie a complete Watchmen virgin, with no expectations other than to be impressed by a good story, neat-o effects, and bone-crunching fight scenes. (Notice I didn't say good acting.)

I wasn't disappointed.

Fantasy movies, by definition, demand the audience to suspend a good deal of belief. Even fantasy movies "grounded in realism" like Christopher Nolan's Batman series. You have to walk in knowing that very little that is about to happen is plausible in any way whatsoever in the real world. I do appreciate the attempt to make it as "real" as possible to allow the audience to connect to it in some real way, though.

I enjoyed seeing the heroes as the semi-realistically flawed people they would be if they truly existed. Seriously, if your soul purpose for living was to fight crime, how could you not be at the very least marginally screwed up? Or if you were the only person on the planet who embodied the definition of superhuman and could see the past and the future and all other planes of existence simultaneously, how could you not help but become apathetic toward humanity and its incessant need to eradicate itself? I understood this side of these characters. I liked seeing this side of these characters.

I appreciated that a character existed who saw the world in absolutes, who refused to compromise despite the ramifications. As much as we are hesitant to admit as much, people like that do walk our earth. I also appreciated that some of these characters needed to be heroes ... they needed that fix as badly as an addict needs a score or some people need attention.

I found the pacing of the movie to be comfortable. It slowed just enough in a couple places to add some back narrative and to allow the audience to catch their collective breath. Of course, it helps to have a character like Rorschach to push it along.

The fight scenes were pretty cool, though nothing I haven't seen before. I think, maybe, they would have been better if Mr. Snyder hadn't relied on his now-becoming-signature slow motion shots. Maybe one day an American director will study Asian action movies and learn how to do action correctly without having to rely on gimmickry.

Oh, but what of the plot, dear Diarist?

The story is pretty solid, as superhero movies go. I don't think it would have been as surprising if I had been watching for the signs that were peppered throughout the story. Yes, there are plenty of clues leading up to the big finale and if you are watchful (HA!) you will see them. I, obviously, wasn't. Frankly, I was so drawn in to the movie. There is so much visually to take in. And the acting, while not spectacular (with exception of Jackie Earle Haley), is strong enough to support the script.

My only major quarrel (which is a minor quarrel, really) is defining Ozymandias as "The World's Smartest Man". "The World's Most Perceptive Man" or "The World's Most Opportunistic Man" or even "The World's Greatest Chess Player", perhaps. But I didn't see anything in the movie that would qualify him as the smartest man on the planet. (Unless you argue that being the most perceptive, most opportunistic, and greatest chess player all at once makes you the smartest. I might concede the point on that argument.)

All in all, a good flick. A long flick. But definitely worth your time. Just make sure you have plenty of it.

Cloverfield - The Spoiler-Free-ish Review

Okay. I witnessed the event of the year last night. (Hey! It's only January! Settle down over there!) How was it, you might be wondering.

Let me start by stating that I was early. Very early. Disturbing geeky fanboy early. First one in line early. I didn't plan or want to be; it just happened that events worked it that way for me. After waiting for *mumble* hours, I finally grabbed my seat.

I hate commercials at the theater. Can I just tell you that? I can understand sitting through them for free television. (You know, the kind you get with your rabbit ears? The kind that won't work after this goes into effect?) But I'm paying a pretty penny to sit and watch movies in a movie theater. Ixnay ethay ommercialscay. I figured we're close enough for me to share that. Thanks.

But to the movie.

Oh, another thing. I am seriously unnerved by people who actually try to be first in line at things like this. These are the same people who will spend hours debating the damage points of a Dark Mage who possesses the mystica ... whatever. It's just a movie and you will get a seat. Calm the fuck down, dork.

Huh? Oh. Right. The movie.

By the way. I may have been early enough to be first in line. But I wasn't first in line. Or second. Or third. I was seventh. So suck it.

Anyway. The damn commercials are over and the trailers begin. Generally, I enjoy trailers. Sure some ... okay, most ... of them are crap and some of them over-sell their movie. It's an art, making trailers. The prime example is the trailer for Cloverfield - the first one, shown before Transformers. It is the only trailer I've ever seen where my only reaction was "What the fuck was THAT?!" That's how all trailers should be. The trailers we saw tonight? If you watched I Am Legend in the theater, you've seen these trailers already.

What was I talking about? Movie. Right.

Ooo ... except for one trailer. A teaser for the new Star Trek movie was shown. Thirty seconds of the USS Enterprise under construction. Which is what the text on the screen said - "UNDER CONSTRUCTION". Like the movie still is. Witty, that J.J. Abrams.

I still haven't told you anything about the movie, have I? Hmm, let's see what I can say without really saying anything.

I didn't view it as "America's Godzilla", as Mr. Abrams had envisioned. This movie didn't have the underlying social commentary that Godzilla had. (And if it did, I completely missed it. I certainly didn't get the connection to 9/11 that some people had been suggesting.) The monster was also very cat-and-mouse, as the director said in interviews it would be. The big reveal didn't come until almost the end of the movie, and even that left viewers wanting more. (A cheap trick to ensure a sequel, perhaps?)

Also, if Blair Witch Project made you motion sick or gave you a headache, you should take something before seeing this movie. The camerawork didn't bother me too much.

Did I like it? Eh ... I wasn't blown away by the movie, but I'd see it again. There were some things in it that I really wish had been different. I believe that the film makers could have impressed the same sense of intimacy and confusion on the movie watchers without using the "handheld recorder" device. To me, it made the movie seem very amateur and a little hard to follow. Additionally, I was so annoyed by some characters that I wished they died much earlier and in extremely painful ways. But they didn't. (I suppose that's true in real life, too.)

I would also like to add that if you're billing this as a "giant monster beats down New York City like Ike Turner beat down Tina" movie, then I expect to see more destruction as it's happening, not the aftermath of the destruction. While character investment is a good thing in most movies, no one really gives a flip about the characters in a monster movie. Characters in movies like this are expendable, like EMI employees (ZING!); it's all about the monster and what destruction said monster inflicts on humanity.

There were a lot of very cool and extremely tense moments, enough to justify a second viewing by me. The monster (Mr. Grumpy Pants, or MGP, as some sites call it) is pretty wicked. Some of the scenes made me gasp. Out loud. And I was rather satisfied with the ending.

It isn't everything the hype has made it out to be, but I do recommend that you see it. (Preferrably on the Big Screen.) Then come back here and share your thoughts in the comments section.